The title of this post is based on an earlier article I wrote about Pelican Medicine and the timely addition of an astute observation by Dr. Paul Goldberg about pelicans: That once they decide on their target (what they want), they dive headfirst at breakneck speed into the swirling waters and pounding waves – they commit wholeheartedly to their outcome, with no hesitation or fallback plan.


Pelican diving in Akumal, Mexico

And wow, does that resonate with me today!

This last week has been a difficult one for me. I’ve felt discombobulated; a whirling mass of frenetic WHAT??

aude-meditateMy horses have stood quietly by as the Jini-whirlwind has descended on their pasture each day, blasted through the chores, attempted to join them in our usual group meditation, but ended up taking pictures or thinking lots of THOUGHTS instead.

You know those times when you’re in the middle of SHIFT, but you’re not sure what you’re shifting to, or why? And so I’ve just kept journaling.

I’ve accepted that I feel really disjointed, but I don’t know why, and that’s okay. I’ve accepted that my body/mind/soul is in process of something and I will just stay PRESENT through the process.

I will not try to make the discomfort go away. I will keep journaling my questions, feelings and unknowns every night, I will have my journal near my bed for any dreams that may come with insight or direction for me. I will stay open to all my animals for guidance or questions or thoughts.

I notice that my dog Tiah is doing a lot of lying right near my feet. And I thank her for lending her energy to support whatever is happening. I notice that my horses are not demanding much of anything from me, but are likewise just hanging nearby, looking at me, doing horsey things like fly swatting and eating. And I thank them for their patience and support.


And then this morning I am lying in bed with Ian, listening to construction noises and drinking the morning probiotics he just brought me (most people bring their spouse coffee, mine brings probiotics, awww!) and I start dialoguing all these random, swirly thoughts, feelings, questions, and discontents.

I feel my body relaxing and releasing as this mess of stuff leaves my body and streams out into the here and now. I don’t need to know WHY, I don’t need to have any answers, I don’t even need to know what the heck I’m talking about! I just need to let my mouth speak out what my heart, gut, lungs, pelvis and legs are full of.

This is called releasing all the pent up, germinating, fermenting stuff into FLOW.

And this is SO healthy and crucial for our mind/body/spirit.

We continue on to breakfast at our local Roadhouse Grille with our youngest son, Hugo. As I continue to dialogue and rant over breakfast, Ian asks questions, pushes back, Hugo presses me on (with the unfailing radar of a 10-year-old for the truth).

And finally we get to the crux – the process that was set into motion at a retreat last week on 320 acres near Kamloops where I slept in a tent by myself, crapped in an outhouse as coyotes howled around me, and just connected to the wisdom of the LAND.


My dome tent

Where the land spoke to me and gave me the knowledge that MY LAND is not in the interior of BC, Canada. My/our land is in California.

But we tried to make that happen 2 years ago. We took the kids and spent 2 weeks in San Luis Obispo (SLO) – tried to rent a house on 5 acres (the owners changed their mind after all the paperwork was filled out). We tried to purchase 50 acres and found out that American banks treat Canadians as a “flight risk” and thus demand a crazy amount of money, collateral, declared salary, etc. Every door was slammed in our face.

So we retreated thinking that we would just have to wait until we could afford to purchase a property outright – no mortgage. And we’re still waiting.

But today, as I let the hot mess bubbling within me move into flow and expression I began to speak out a deeper truth.

I am the visionary in our partnership. My husband Ian is the rainmaker. From the day I met him I was astounded at how he could just decide something and then poof! make it happen, in a very short period of time.

So I have been given the vision(s) for our land in California – and of course it involves a space for holistic healing, assisted by the horses and the animals and some of the best healers/teachers in the world. I was given the plans for the healing space in a dream – a structure that incorporates the earth (square), universe (circle) and soul (triangle) – connecting all 3 shapes into the whole:


But when I’ve talked about it with Ian, his response has been, “The timing’s not right” or “We don’t have enough money yet” or “We just need to wait for the kids to finish high school/debt to be paid off/launch this next product/fill in this blank ______” and so on. You know how it goes, whatever version of, “X needs to happen first” that comes up. And I’ve said, “Oh, yeah, you’re right. Okay, well I guess I need to learn patience – that’s never been my strong suit.”

Today, what poured out of me (aided by choice, affirmative comments from my youngest – love him!!) was that Ian was hiding HIS brilliance. He and I were acting like lackeys, or subordinates to the universe, rather than co-creators, in partnership with the Divine. He was denying and negating his full power to make it RAIN. Make it HAPPEN.

It’s like God has been saying to both of us, “What do YOU want?” “DECIDE what you want and it will happen” but we have been responding, “Well, whatever you think, whenever the time is right.” And the call is to say: No! I WILL bring this forth into being.

We have been given the vision, the intelligence, the tools, but WE need to create and ACTION it upon the earth. Without accepting ‘no’ as an answer. Without allowing obstacles to delay us.

We MUST step up and accept nothing less than the manifestation of our vision in the shortest possible period of time – because Lord Jesus there’s a fiiiiiiiiiire! And ain’t nobody got time to sit around waiting for permission.

We ARE the change we want to see in the world.

We must BRING IT.

Watch this space…. with much love and gratitude as we all soar higher!

p.s. Two days after I wrote the first draft of this post, this beautiful new foal was born to my mare, Audelina, two days before the full moon. He told my daughter what his name is: Junonia – which is a type of butterfly. Butterfly is the medicine of transformation. So thanks for being with us Juno – may your birth herald a year of wonderful transformation for all of us!


Juno – the morning he was born

p.p.s. And if my story has ignited something in you, but you are having trouble connecting with your brilliance, or discerning where your true passions lie, or you need a few more tools to move past your fears, then come over to Listen To Your Freedom and I’ll help you get started – with lots of free stuff, of course.