Several weeks ago I wrote a lovely post about listening to my body’s wisdom and taking a sabbatical… however, after a lovely, languid, lazy two weeks, numerous elements in my world went sideways and BAM! Just like that, my sabbatical was over.
The interesting thing is that within a day or so of ending my sabbatical, everyone around me – including my animals – seemed to exhale. And in many ways, life was equally peaceful, yet also invigorating, back doing things I love.
So that started me wondering about the value of balance, versus something drastic like a sabbatical. Of course, most people’s version of a sabbatical is not just rest, but travel or working on one specific project. Which started me thinking about retirement. Retiring is yet another instance where you normally do not do any work – it is supposed to be your time to finally rest and not have to do anything. But look at the stats around what happens to people’s health when they retire! And one study found the risk of death doubled when workers retired early at age 55.
But I’ll tell you, it is much harder for me to sustain a balanced work/rest ratio, than to just do one or the other! Whether you want to call it the artistic temperament, or the obsessive temperament, my mum, my daughter, and me all have it. When we get going on a project or creative endeavour, we’ll be up all night, no problem. We just LOVE the intensity of sinking into the flow of creative space and riding that wave all the way in to shore!
However, what thrills the mind and soul is not always supportive or considerate of the physical body. Our mind and soul are not tethered by earthly concerns like gravity, time, food and water. And so there’s our beleaguered incarnate body hobbling along behind, calling out, “Wait… wait!”
It is this integration of the mind/body/soul that my husband Ian is SO good at. Seriously, he’s never had more than a cold or very mild flu bug his whole life – because he has super strong boundaries around his body’s needs. I have learned so much from watching him over the last 24 years.
The paradox for me is that I don’t know how to achieve balance unless I set out a schedule and stick to it. BUT I hate schedules! I try to schedule as few things as possible. But then I inevitably end up doing too much each day and become overwhelmed. Perhaps this is something I can tap on. Perhaps if I change my feeling about schedules (not psychologically, but emotionally) and re-frame it as a positive element, that might open up new possibilities for me…
If anyone else in a similar position has found a work-around for this, I’d love to hear your ideas!
I love thinking about this. I think about it a lot. There’s no doubt, stress, and the obsessive pursuit of tasks/projects/left-brained activities (in the Iain McGilghrist lens) has contributed to the development of my IBD. I’m not saying it caused it (I can’t say if it did or it didn’t), but it definitely contributed, and contributes, to flares — it’s a clear pattern. I’ve been able, at times, to completely disengage from “tasking,” though I have to be pretty motivated — in a flare, or risking heading into a flare. The rest of the time, my tendency is to feverishly consume information, study, work, and honestly create projects that either have the theme of preparing for some potential stressor in the future (that may never happen, like tightening up my work so all my i’s are dotted and t’s are crossed), or sometimes, and hilariously, preparing to better relax and be healthier in the *future,* like beautifying my home, making an area of my home feel more peaceful, or doing a bunch of research about how to be healthier… even more organic/less toxic in my home, fabrics, food, etc. It’s a little funny, when I observe myself from the outside. So I go back and forth between being lost in a trance of doing, and then realizing I’m doing it, and deciding I need to stop altogether. More recently, within the past few years, I’ve developed a practice of slowing waaaaaay down, so that rather than either going 100 mph or holding completely still, I’m moving at what feels like half-speed as I go through my tasks. When emptying the dishwasher, taking out one dish at a time, and putting it into the cupboard. Feeling my breath as I go. So I can still satisfy the part of my brain that wants to get things done, but I’m working at changing the WAY I’m doing it. So it’s an integration of parts, rather than an either-or. Gabor Mate has been helpful to me here. I kept this quote: “For those habituated to high levels of internal stress since early childhood, it is the *absence* of stress that creates unease, evoking boredom and a sense of meaninglessness. People may become addicted to their own stress hormones, adrenaline and cortisol, Hans Selye observed. To such persons stress feels desirable, while the absence of it feels like something to be avoided” (When the Body Says No). So I can at least observe myself, and have a little awareness about *why* I might be pushing forward, and then start to notice the feelings in my body when I’m intentionally slowing down. Is fear coming up? What’s happening, exactly? For me, I think the polarization of parts, either going fast or stopping altogether, are both protections for the same wounded part. It has something to do with a fear of not being enough. If I’m doing everything all at once, I’m trying to prove I’m good enough. If I’m on “sabbatical,” I’m aiming for perfection in THAT. I’m going to see HOW RELAXED I can become. (This cartoon here captures it in a funny way: https://www.glasbergen.com/ngg_tag/cutting-edge-of-relaxation/) Or, if I’m not striving for perfect relaxation, it can feel like a giving up, like “well I’m not going to even try, then.” So it’s either I’m racing to achieve, or I’m trying to “achieve” balance by going to the other extreme. For me, the challenge is to just let myself be a regular, ordinary person. Nothing exceptional here, no huge achievement to reach for, no amazing person I’m trying to become. Just going through the day, connected and safe in my body, just as I am.
What wonderful insights to this process you’ve amassed Julie. I particularly love this:
“For me, I think the polarization of parts, either going fast or stopping altogether, are both protections for the same wounded part.”
That’s very profound and I want to ponder that for a while.
In my case, it doesn’t root back to self-worth, it links back to the desire to help – people, animals, the earth, myself – not because I don’t feel good enough as I am, but because I can. I found Carolyn Myss’ work on archetypes very helpful. I have (among others) the Teacher archetype; so it is actually more stressful and draining for me to not teach, than to teach. I guess it would be the same as someone who loved to sing and then tried to become conscious of and stop themselves from singing.
I do feel there is something else underneath though… so I will ponder what you said – thank you.
Hi Jini,
You might be interested in delving into Rudolf Steiner’s extensive lectures on medicine, education, bio-dynamic agriculture, spirituality, karma, etc
His work sheds profound light on what we as individuals, humanity, the world, universe, are evolving through and reasons behind it. He explains humanity’s far far past and the future, so it becomes more comprehensible where we’ve come from, our current dilemmas and where we’re heading. Just a heads up- his writings are not easy to read or understand and frequently misinterpreted and criticized as a result. Some of it is dated and has been eclipsed. But still his writings are profound and fascinating. It takes TIME and much reading to really absorb, process and comprehend the magnitude of what he is trying to convey, Definitely not everybody’s cup of tea and it seems one either gravitates to it or not.
How we feel, our tasks and how we are in this world have a great deal to do with temperament (very hard to work on this and change but it can be done). You’re husband is likely a phlegmatic. Plegmatics feel comfortable in their own skin and don’t feel the need to go into territory that makes them uneasy (in other words they stick to their boundaries). Your husband probably has a very strong etheric/life body which he has maintained over time because he backs off when his inner balance may be compromised. Of course I’m generalizing!! Most of use are a combination of temperaments and tendencies but one tends to predominate over the other 3 (sanguine, choleric, melancholic). You may be more a combo of sanguine and/or choleric but I’m just guessing here. Perhaps you sacrifice yourself physically for a greater goal/aim in life, to be inspired. Being inspired and working for smth beyond ourselves is our natural tendency. Feeding your soul which is very important and ultimately more important than feeding our body. I’m exaggerating a bit of course to highlight the difference why we are here at this time on earth (though we can’t neglect the body either as it is the vehicle that gets us through life). The physician (nature) was there/born before the patient (as we humans are built right now) so, therefore, for every poison there is an antidote out there.
Inner growth, experiences, events, knowledge, essence, empathy, compassion, understanding, wisdom and maybe some not so nice stuff is what we take with us when we die. Our body does help us to do this in a great or not so great way.
Just a few thoughts to ponder. I don’t want to delve too deeply into the esoteric as it’s such a personal and individual journey for everyone.
The old adage “There are many roads that lead to Rome or how to slice a loaf of bread” is very apt here.
I think you’re honesty and journey to try and get to the bottom of things is amazing and courageous. On top of that the desire and will to help others in similar situations is remarkable and courageous.
An example for all of us to dig deeply and extend ourselves beyond our own borders.
Oh Anna how beautiful this is!! Thank you so much for taking the time to write this for us. I am a massive fan of Rudolf Steiner despite not having read much of his original writings – but reading more what other people have written about him. I tried to get my kids into Waldorf schools and his biodynamic farming is fascinating. I have a couple books I think you might really enjoy (if you haven’t read them already) by Penny Kelly. She was a tools/parts engineer at Chrysler when she had a spontaneous Kundalini awakening. She was a mother of 4 and had a catholic upbringing. So I LOVE her perspective (vs. the yogi/new age seeker). I recommend you start with The Elves of Lily Hill Farm if you have any interest in farming, or how the land guardians/elves can speak/teach us things. And then give Robes a go. Robes is about ‘coming changes’ although it was originally published in the 80’s so some of it has happened.
It’s true what you say about temperament. I really became aware of this having 3 kids; same parents, same environment and COMPLETELY different ways of dealing with and moving through life. But even with my animals (esp dogs and cats who live with us 24/7 and have been with us since weaning) I see the same thing. And so we each have things that are easy, and things that challenge us. I’m not familiar with the temperaments you listed – have learned more about the TCM and Ayurvedic classifications, but yours sound pretty good too!
So like my spouse and me. He is always busy, and healthy and strong and working long hours at age 68, but he has a routine to everything about his self care, and it is inalterable. He does crash sometimes on vacation with lack of schedule, which I thrive on, but overall is careful to assert his needs first. My needs however, come second to the children x4 in 3 years, grandsons x5, my beautiful 30 y.o horse, 2 Golden Retrievers, a cat to which I am allergic, and my husband. Only after they are all happy and healthy will I check on myself.
Oy vey, Robin!! Well you know what they say about the oxygen mask… but it sounds like you’re well aware of what’s going on. And you married a wonderful teacher/model of healthy boundaries. Not to mention your horse – perhaps you could work in 10 minutes a day of JUST sitting with your horse and breathing together? I bet that would change your entire day (life?). If you find that difficult, then do this guided meditation – that I recorded with my horses 🙂
http://listenhorse.s3.amazonaws.com/horse-pasture-meditation.mp3
Thank you for sharing your story. I totally get where you are coming from and have a hubbie who is similar at defining his boundaries physically with no guilt. I really appreciate Julie’s comment and on my journey of awareness have adopted a similar approach of slowing things way down to keep myself in the moment.
This has been a tough year for me but a huge growth year as well. From March to May I suffered from an impaction shutting down my digestive track. Then in July I had to have teeth pulled from bone loss. Unfortunately the dentist I chose was not familiar with treating someone with my condition and I found myself poisoned by the antibiotics and plastics used in the liners tripping another constipation flare. By September I found a biological dentist who aided me in getting a biocompatibility test and an oral surgeon that would be able to have access to materials that would not trip my body. A week ago today I had bone grafting and implants for the missing teeth. In 5 months I will get my abutments and crowns to complete the procedure topside.
I am so grateful on this Thanksgiving day to have found your resources earlier this year which gave me hope to take charge of my health and condition. My nutrition has always been very good, but is dialed in even more now with a clear purpose. The meditative breathing I developed 20 years ago sitting on meditation cushions 5-6 days/week has become a part of my daily habits once again. On my journey I allowed so many external people and circumstances to distance me from answers I already knew. It is great to reconnect with myself. I have been trying to be true to the Krishnamurti quote – “The cessation of thought is the awakening of intelligence.” Often times I use this as a mantra to diffuse the mind and return to the present moment. The DEEP ANGER that my accupuncturist pointed to over the last 7 years of treatment has disapated. Her healing hands opened a door to forgiveness of myself and those around me giving me the courage to let down my protective walls. I don’t need those walls any more.
The animals have also played a huge role in my recovery. I own two horses and the barn is my refuge from the human world. What the horses teach us about where we are on any given day is remarkable. I have a rehab mare who also has an impaired digestive track and crooked hips that I do daily body work on to relieve and repair her body. She is discovering her athleticism in the riding and blossoming at 17 yo. Our healing this year has been on a dual track and she reminds me to take each day as it comes without imposing what I think I should do. But be in the moment to make the right choices for myself and for her. I have great mental drive and focus as you described above often negating my physical state in the process. My journey with her has helped me walk away from destructive driving patterns and move within the flow of what should be done in that moment. We also have a house full of cats who have become over the years my nurses. They always know how to bring comfort and solitude drawing me to the present and to comfort and healing.
I was compelled to share this story based on your quote I pulled down from your post.
“Perhaps if I change my feeling about schedules (not psychologically, but emotionally) and re-frame it as a positive element, that might open up new possibilities for me…”
I think the biggest thing I have learned this year. Is that can make a schedule and plan, but not plan the results. Using my meditative breath in the moment allows me to discern when the physical side of me runs out. Then I have to accept my limitations and forgive myself for not being all that I planned to be in that moment. Certainly, this is a difficult thing to do with my driving personality, but well worth the experiment. I am still having mental fluctuations between beating myself up and acceptance. I think that is the life journey and path of my enlightenment.
I think there’s no better animal to pull us out of agenda-driven energy than horses! Although birds of prey (see my earlier vid) are pretty good too 😉
SO glad you found a holistic dentist! And I strongly recommend you get some of my QuikPlus Bone Matrix as soon as it hits the Shoppe. This is a game-changer for tooth/bone formation and hopefully will be coming off the production line in early December. Here’s more info:
https://blog.listentoyourgut.com/my-latest-formulation-atom-sized-minerals/
And since you’re into horses and been exploring forgiveness of self and others, you may particularly enjoy this post:
https://listentoyourhorse.com/equine-vasectomy-castration-and-the-karmic-wheel/
Namaste xo
You might be interested in rebalancing, my cousin Lisette Thooft has a practice is how i heard of it. Getting in touch with your body’s signals and harmonizing our emotional with our physical self…
Feeling thankful for all your work Jini!
Yes, I’ve done rebalancing and it is certainly a helpful tool. And you’re very welcome!
Your story is very recognizable to me, Jini, both in myself and in stories of other people with IBD problems. I thought for a long time that doing nothing was an important way to heal. Later I found out that doing nothing at all did more bad than good for me. Certainly for more than 2 weeks. For me doing nothing was a way to avoid work pressure. I too am very bad at making a daily and weekly schedule. This is also part of being unable to cope with work pressure. The strange thing is that when I experience self-confidence I do not suffer much from work pressure and I go for 101 percent for my responsibility. For other people I go too fast and I do way too much. People around me then drop out while I continue. When I have had a day or two days of rest I find it very difficult to take on the workload again.
I have read that the important characteristic of people with IBD is the lack of authority. As an authority you are in a position and you have the skill to take the initiative in your own life but also in relation to your environment. You decide how to deal with work pressure and whether there is lightness in your activities. If your environment is too serious or fanatic, you are the one in charge.
Staying active and channeling stress during and after the activity is the most important task for me. How do I do that? I try to ritualize my life a bit. Two times a day I meditate or do breathing techniques. In addition, I pay attention to that specific breathing all day long and I pay close attention to my posture. The attention to these aspects is a meditation in itself.
In summary: I pay attention to my breathing and posture, ritualize my life and train my authority skills.
SO true!! Here’s a little blurb that echoes what you’re talking about here, a reflection of what you said about, “If your environment is too serious or fanatic, you are the one in charge.” In a way it is a perspective on Leadership as the way out of Victim:
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Here is another crucial key for getting out of Victim: leadership. we tend to think of leadership as something that is important for organizations, or corporations, or groups. But it is equally important in our family and intimate relationships.
If you find yourself saying: why can’t my husband support me more? I wish my wife understood me more. Why don’t my kids/family/partner care about me more? These are clues that you are sitting in victim. In my experience, the way to transcend the Cinderella archetype, and the eternal idea for ‘someone else to take care of things and make it all go away’, is through being willing to rise into your own leadership/wholeness. and yes, this is equally applicable to males and females.
For some of us we may be very capable and functional with mind/body integrated leadership in our professional life, or with contractors, repairs etc. But in our personal life, we notice that our default is to collapse into, why me? Why do I never have enough support? Why am I always on my own for these things? I have all these people that supposedly love me, why doesn’t anyone help me? Those questions and feelings are our clue that we have descended into the victim space.
So the first step, is to acquire a picture, an understanding, a felt sense of what holistic, mind-body integrated leadership actually looks and feels like. Unfortunately, with humans and our default to dominance-based leadership, we don’t have very many examples to follow. It is much more useful to look to the animal kingdom for a holistic leadership models. A study of the elephant matriarch, for example, will give you an excellent idea of what integrated leadership looks and feels like. Likewise if you can observe a wild herd of horses, where humans have not interfered with their structure or dynamics, that is another great place to observe the kind of leadership I’m talking about.
Holistic mind/body integrated leadership takes into account the well-being of every member of the group, herd, organization, or family. The holistic leader is not interested in asserting their dominance over others, or of being the boss. Rather, this leader has gained fluency in holding their own space, and managing their own power in healthy ways. So they are then able to hold this container of safety, this space of possibility, for others to likewise step into their grounded power and deeper wisdom. So it is very much a collaborative process, but one which is not possible without the holistic leader being able to truly hold and ground that safe container for expression and transformation.
It is having the strength and personal power to be able to hold the space of abundant possibility. To extend an invitation for shift – where the other person can transform in healthy ways they never thought possible, because you are doing much of the energetic work for them. And the reason you hold this space and you do this work is because your deepest desire is to see other people rise and come forth into the brilliance of their own wholeness.
The holistic leader understands that the way to a healthy planet, a healthy culture, a healthy group, relies on everyone making this shift in consciousness and being able to integrate mind/body/spirit into a congruent whole. Ideally, every mother and father could hold this safe container for the development of their children’s consciousness and integration. But of course, we cannot control other people, we can only control ourselves.
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I also really like what you said about “lightness in your activities”. I think that’s a BIG one, to ask yourself, “Does this feel heavy? Or does this feel light?” And then choose what feels light!