baby_sleep-3I’ve never met a parent (including myself) who wouldn’t love a “magic formula” to get our kids to sleep through the night – so we could too.

The main technique most mothers around me tend to use is some version of the Ferber Method, also referred to as “controlled crying”. This is the same technique my mother used when I was an infant, to get me to sleep by myself (in my own crib, in my own room) through the night.

I have never even considered using this technique with my 3 kids, just following my gut intuition, and I recently found an excerpt from lactation consultant Pinky McKay that so eloquently outlines why:

One of the arguments for using controlled crying is that it ‘works’, but perhaps the definition of success needs to be examined more closely. In the small number of studies undertaken, while most babies will indeed stop waking when they are left to cry, ‘success’ varies from an extra hour’s sleep each night to little difference between babies who underwent sleep training and those who didn’t, eight weeks later. Some studies found that up to one-third of the babies who underwent controlled crying ‘failed sleep school’. A recent Australian baby magazine survey revealed that lthough 57 per cent of mothers who responded to the survey had tried controlled crying, 27 per cent reported no success, 27 per cent found it worked for one or two nights, and only 8 per cent found that controlled crying worked for longer than a week. To me, this suggests that even if harsher regimes work initially, babies are likely to start waking again as they reach new developmental stages or conversely, they may become more settled and sleep (without any intervention) as they reach appropriate developmental levels.

Controlled crying and other similar regimes may indeed work to produce a self-soothing, solitary sleeping infant. However, the trade-off could be an anxious, clingy or hyper-vigilant child or even worse, a child whose trust is broken. Unfortunately, we can’t measure attributes such as trust and empathy which are the basic skills for forming all relationships. We can’t, for instance, give a child a trust quotient like we can give him an intelligence quotient. One of the saddest emails I have received was from a mother who did controlled crying with her one-year-old toddler.

“After a week of controlled crying he slept, but he stopped talking (he was saying single words). For the past year, he has refused all physical contact from me. If he hurts himself, he goes to his older brother (a preschooler) for comfort. I feel devastated that I have betrayed my child.”

It is the very principle that makes controlled crying ‘work’ that is of greatest concern: when controlled crying ‘succeeds’ in teaching a baby to fall asleep alone, it is due to a process that neurobiologist Bruce Perry calls the ‘defeat response’. Normally, when humans feel threatened, our bodies flood with stress hormones and we go into ‘fight’ or ‘flight’. However, babies can’t fight and they can’t flee, so they communicate their distress by crying. When infant cries are ignored, this trauma elicits a ‘freeze’ or ‘defeat’ response. Babies eventually abandon their crying as the nervous system shuts down the emotional pain and the striving to reach out.

One explanation for the success of ‘crying it out’ is that when an infant’s defeat response is triggered often enough, the child will become habituated to this. That is, each time the child is left to cry, he ‘switches’ more quickly to this response. This is why babies may cry for say, an hour the first night, twenty minutes the following night and fall asleep almost immediately on the third night (if you are ‘lucky’). They are ‘switching off’ (and sleeping) more quickly, not learning a legitimate skill.

Whether sleep ‘success’ is due to behavioural principles (that is, a lack of ‘rewards’ when baby wakes) or whether the baby is overwhelmed by a stress reaction, the saddest risk of all is that as he tries to communicate in the only way available to him, the baby who is left to cry in order to teach him to sleep will learn a much crueler lesson – that he cannot make a difference, so what is the point of reaching out. This is learned helplessness.

This is an edited extract from “Sleeping Like a Baby” by Pinky McKay (Penguin). Pinky is an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant, Certified Infant Massage Instructor and mother of five. For more tips to help your baby (and you!) sleep, read Pinky’s best-selling book Sleeping Like a Baby.

Personally, I feel being “left to cry” as an infant was the foundation of my fears of not feeling safe in the world – which I have spent about 20 years of healing/therapy overcoming! It is not the only contributing factor, but I think it is a root level, significant one.

I once listened to a neighbour using this method with her baby and the cries of “Mommy, please help me!” had tears streaming down my face and I’m not even her mother! My own children were upset and just couldn’t conceive that a mother would do that to her own child. I thought to myself, “You know, if that were an elderly person in there, crying and calling for help, we would call the police. So why are we allowed to treat children with a lack of such basic respect and care?”

In the end, my kids and I stood underneath the baby’s open window (which is why we could hear everything) and discussed loudly what was going on and the kids called up reassurances to the baby. Whatever this made the parents feel, they came and got their baby and we didn’t have to listen to any more anguish, thank god.

So, yes, sleep disturbance/deprivation is part of what makes parenting so incredibly hard and exhausting. And yes, I know there are some times when you are a single parent (or perhaps you’re married, but you’re still doing all the grunt work) and you don’t have a support person available and you’re facing the dilemma of ‘lock them in a room or risk abusing them’ what can you do? But really, if this happens more than once or twice, it is your responsibility as the adult to change the dynamic so that you get someone else helping you when you hit the wall.

One tool that I used to help my children get to sleep easily without damaging their trust, security and attachment to me (when I was just too exhausted to read, sing, or tell them a story), is my Sleeptime Story CDs – these work great for kids aged 18 months – 6 years. Most of the time, I would lie down with my kids as they listened to a story and drifted off to sleep (the music put me to sleep too). But my husband was also able to use them to get the kids off to sleep if I wasn’t there – instead of them waiting up for me to get home!

Click here to listen to a sample of a Murray The Shark Sleeptime Story – this one’s called The Fishing Game.

But you can also record your own stories and then put them on a CD or mp3 to use when you’re not around, or when you’re too tired to do anything but lie there!

soar higher,


Getting Baby To Sleep Through The Night

3 thoughts on “Getting Baby To Sleep Through The Night

  • Hello, I live in Germany and have a colicky baby NOW. Do you have a download site if I purchased your DVD that I could download it immediately and start her on it now?

    Thank you!

  • Do you have any suggestions for a new mom who’s 5 mo is waking hourly at night? She feeds well but baby is very wakeful at night. Sleep cd is great idea but since baby is so young do you have any other tricks I can pass along to her? She is very against cry-it-out, although that is the majority advice she is getting. However, if she doesn’t start getting decent sleep, her own health will surely suffer. Thanks!

  • Kal I would look at gut issues (discomfort/pain) in the baby:

    Then I would use EFT tapping for both baby and mom. Book with a therapist, or search for tapping transcripts online. Maybe this is something you can do for her since her brain will not be working well by this time.

    Also, are mom, dad, baby all in same room/bed, or separate, etc.? Whatever the arrangement, I would encourage her to connect to her gut and go outside the box for sleeping arrangements. Also, discuss/brainstorm with trusted friends/family. FORGET about relationships, “shoulds” etc. and just experiment with what she feels would work best for baby and her.

    Hope that helps!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *